My last post was more a spilling of pride and excitement from my fingers than it was a critique on running, races, myself, or my life. I had signed up for something with the intention of training for it, lost that motivation, but followed through with it anyway much to my surprise. I think a lot of people were surprised by my finish–I am not a distance runner. I am not even a racer. I am just a trail minded human being.
Someone very close to me was excited to hear about how my race went, he was proud of me for finishing and was not surprised at all. He asked me a simple question “Why weren’t you doing this all along?” Of course I thought he was referring to ultra marathon racing and I began to start into about how I never really loved training, or because I never thought I could.. etc. etc. and he cut me off and clarified with “No. Look at how you are living. Why weren’t you doing this all along?”
I have existed for the past few years in such a weird place, one where I prioritize other people to the point where I know I am not getting back any support and it really changed who I was. I lost sight of my goals and my joys. I was not living as I wanted to, only living with the hope, the desperate desire, that one day I will have what I was searching for, that putting myself in full unconditional support of others would yield returns to me– they didn’t. I mean they did at first, I loved being supportive and showing love and gratitude but to do so continuously is unsustainable.
Stepping back, I existed in limbo. I was unsure of myself in almost all aspects and somehow from that wreckage and confusion I have definitely emerged a changed person. So to answer “Why weren’t you doing this all along?” I can only think that I never experienced the quintessential heartbreaking, body beating, desperation that can only turn you from phoenix into ash, where feeling like giving something everything you have in life is just never enough and will never be reciprocated. But now, I have simplified everything and have profoundly re-focused my personal and professional (and romantic) life.
I really believe that I am happier now than I have ever been. Truly, I am satisfied in many many ways. Am I busy and stressed out often? Do I still questions certain aspects about myself? Yeah absolutely, but I have the tools within me to sort these things out and I know that whatever I end up doing, I will be fine. I am finally at peace.
48 peaks 