I was contemplating around campus today, during my lunch break, about a topic so rich and deep and human that I think we all have or want to relate to it– love. Love is deep, it is personal, and it comes in various degrees of intensity and longevity… but is there some component of love that is qualitatively different from other types of strong positive emotional connections? I mean, there is attraction, there is that warmth that you get from thinking of someone, thinking of someone fondly, watching them be happy and successful that I don’t think comes with every type of relationship. Now I have been in a few relationships, both romantic and platonic, and think that I can finally speak a little bit about love. And how it is emotional. How it is cognitive and rational. How it is beautiful and it makes you elated. And how you can love someone deeply even when they don’t love you. I’d like to talk about one man in particular. We were together at first in an exciting way. The first few encounters, he was amazing! What a breath of fresh air! Every time he would be challenging and exciting. He made me excited to see not just how our relationship developed, but also how he would start to develop as a person– after all, no one is ever really done growing and changing. When things were in full swing and we were together often, I was feeling tremendous highs. I think the feeling was mutual, as I don’t think I had ever seen him smile quite like that before. In fact, those around him were even feeling and performing at their best. It was as though the world, as a unit, was progressing. All the necessary gears were in place, well oiled, and turning in unison. There was no weak link. And everything made sense– of course he was happy, and I was happy. We made each other happy. Then everything changed. It was a winter day, always in the winter. I was sitting in the student center when we broke up. I was devastated. I didn’t know where it was coming from. All the efforts were put in to make him comfortable and happy. I guess it wasn’t enough anymore. Suddenly he was leaving what had helped him become who he was. I felt angry. I was sad and angry and felt utterly alone. Looking around at students going to classes, going about their day like nothing had happened. They were smiling and I couldn’t. I felt my world crumbling. It didn’t make sense to me, and if the one thing that was sure and made me happy no longer made sense, then nothing could make sense. Weeks passed and I just went on with life. I kept up in my classes. I didn’t live with the same excitement that I used to. I had trouble watching him in his new life. When I finally could bring myself to get passed some of my anger, perhaps more out of curiosity, I checked in to see how he was doing. What I saw shocked me. He was miserable. He was doing terribly. But for him, there was no return. He couldn’t come back to me. He had committed to the separation and he had to go on. At first, seeing him fail was wonderful and hilarious. It made me happy that he couldn’t manage to be as successful without me. But even this happiness had a nasty shadow of pain associated with it. Deep down, I was sad for him. As months passed, my situation improved. Someone else took the spotlight for me. But I still watched back and saw him struggling to get by, I saw the world making fun of him at his expense, while all he did was keep trying. I could no longer take the same pleasure in watching that. I felt upset, sad, hurt, his anguish was my anguish. Even though he no longer cared, I still wanted nothing but the best for him. Even now, years later, I still want only his happiness for him.
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And isn’t that what love is? Wanting the best for someone no matter what? Even if he no longer cares, or he left me without any rhyme or reason. I still only want his happiness and I can’t imagine a situation where I wouldn’t. He meant so much to me at one point in my life that those feelings continue to be a beacon, guiding me and my endless love.
You’ll never walk alone, Fernando Torres!
48 peaks 