“Why weren’t you doing this all along?”

My last post was more a spilling of pride and excitement from my fingers than it was a critique on running, races, myself, or my life. I had signed up for something with the intention of training for it, lost that motivation, but followed through with it anyway much to my surprise. I think a lot of people were surprised by my finish–I am not a distance runner. I am not even a racer. I am just a trail minded human being.

Someone very close to me was excited to hear about how my race went, he was proud of me for finishing and was not surprised at all. He asked me a simple question “Why weren’t you doing this all along?” Of course I thought he was referring to ultra marathon racing and I began to start into about how I never really loved training, or because I never thought I could.. etc. etc. and he cut me off and clarified with “No. Look at how you are living. Why weren’t you doing this all along?”

I have existed for the past few years in such a weird place, one where I prioritize other people to the point where I know I am not getting back any support and it really changed who I was. I lost sight of my goals and my joys. I was not living as I wanted to, only living with the hope, the desperate desire, that one day I will have what I was searching for, that putting myself in full unconditional support of others would yield returns to me– they didn’t. I mean they did at first, I loved being supportive and showing love and gratitude but to do so continuously is unsustainable.

Stepping back, I existed in limbo. I was unsure of myself in almost all aspects and somehow from that wreckage and confusion I have definitely emerged a changed person. So to answer “Why weren’t you doing this all along?” I can only think that I never experienced the quintessential heartbreaking, body beating, desperation that can only turn you from phoenix into ash, where feeling like giving something everything you have in life is just never enough and will never be reciprocated. But now, I have simplified everything and have profoundly re-focused my personal and professional (and romantic) life.

I really believe that I am happier now than I have ever been. Truly, I am satisfied in many many ways. Am I busy and stressed out often? Do I still questions certain aspects about myself? Yeah absolutely, but I have the tools within me to sort these things out and I know that whatever I end up doing, I will be fine. I am finally at peace.

My First Ultra Marathon

A number of my friends are runners, athletes, triathlon competitors, etc. I’ve made my social life surrounded by mutual enjoyment in the sport or sports. Many of the people whose company I’ve enjoyed over the past 3 or 4 years have been really incredible athletes. In NJ, many of the people I was closest to in RVRR were indeed all ultra runners. They were (mostly) all very humble and inspiring, but I often did feel a bit left out. After the Philadelphia marathon I thought that I could certainly run an ultra… after all, I had decent experience running on trails and I enjoyed the experience. When I moved to Brighton, only 1 of my good friends up here is a seasoned ultra runner. She gave me confidence in myself and made me excited about it.. so a while back I signed up for my first 50k. The TARC (Trail Animals Running Club) Fall Classic. The race is a 10 mile loop that you run 3 times. It was yesterday, September 12, 2015, and it started at 6am in Carlisle, MA at Great Brook Farm State Park.

Well, I signed up and got excited and talked about it to my friends. That inspired my friend Seth to sign up as well! We both had plans of training all summer and being ready to share in this experience. Well, life happens. For me, I did the Mountain Goat series and felt wiped. I no longer enjoyed running, my road runs became infrequent and short.. maybe a 3 mile run 2-3 times a week. I did spend some trail time in the mountains but that was primarily a mix of running and hiking, not really a long training run. Seth fell out of his training plan, too. He decided early that he would not be racing and shifted his focus from the long run to increasing his speed on shorter races.

Well this past week, prior to the race, I was unsure if I would even go. I had the day free with the only conflict being that Liverpool was playing Manchester United at 12:30 on that day of race. I knew I could finish the distance, but I wasn’t sure if I could run the whole thing.

To make me even MORE unsure of my ability, Thursday before the race, I suffered a quad injury in a dumb intramural soccer game. I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t lift my leg. Things seemed basically hopeless. My knee was whacked out also but no MCL tear. After some electrode therapy, I woke up Friday morning feeling INCREDIBLE. My quad was tight and clearly had a knot, but I could walk. Perhaps my race was back on? Later than night my co-workers and advisor were asking me about it.. I told them I was going to go and run the first loop (10 miles) and then try to run/walk the second loop to finish 20 miles. If I made it that far, I’d consider the day a success! Then I could probably watch the soccer game also.

So true to form, the night before the race, I couldn’t sleep at all. This happened before the Philadelphia Marathon as well. I was confused, too, because I didn’t have anxiety– I had 0 expectations for myself regarding this race. Still, no sleep. I watched my alarm go off at 4:40am and said “fuck it” and got dressed and headed out for my 40 min car drive to Carlisle.

It was DARK when I pulled up. Foggy and dark and kind of chilly. I kept my long sleeves on and checked in, bibbed up, tried to poop (couldn’t!!!) and then brought my drop back out for the pre-race meeting. The 50k and 50mile races started early and the half marathon and 10k races started at 8am. I got dressed and when the “gun” (the good ol’ TARC HOOOOWWWWLLLL) went off, I started running. I felt pretty good through the course. It was still a bit dark when we started but it was getting light quickly so I didn’t bring my headlamp. I didn’t need it. I ran well for the first 10 miles and when I hit the big “aid station” (the start/finish) I grabbed some chocolate covered pretzels, filled my pack bladder with half tailwind/half water, and then hit the trail! I went back out shortly after the 13.1 and 10k runners started so I saw many of them out there. I started by walking much of the first 2 miles of this lap. I wasn’t planning on racing the whole thing but waiting and seeing how it went. Many of the 10kers were passing me as they had just started and I got really really angry because some women said to me “are you going to walk every mile?” as she went out for her race. I don’t like to put anyone down who is out trail running any distance. I also don’t really know what her intentions were in saying that to me. My bib was yellow (aka 50k)… hers was green (aka 10k). I just laughed and said “yes, all 31 of them”. I walked a bit more and just mulled her comment over and regardless of what she meant, I got angry. I wanted to catch her and pass her and say “see ya later”.. so I started running again. I felt incredible. I started passing some slower 10kers and made it to that lady at the PERFECT moment— right where the course splits between the “ultra” course and the “13.1/10k” cut off. I saw her, she saw me, I turned left and she turned right and I smiled and said “Good luck”. I hope, if she was being mean earlier, that she interpreted it as “fuck you”.

Anyway, I felt amazing loop 2 as well and ran most of it. I kept leapfrogging the same 4 people and befriended a few. It was nice to have people to talk to here and there but also to know that I could be alone. I really enjoyed seeing the Aid station that was on the course. The animals volunteering at that point were super friendly and said I smiled more than anyone else coming through! They were such an important help. During loop two I ate so many oranges and fig newtons, it was nice to stop and walk a bit while eating but that section of trail through the bog is very runnable and so I ran most of it.

After loop 2, I was at mile 21. It was only 10:15am. I had time and the energy and the attitude so I changed my shirt, chugged a 5 hr energy, and started back out. This is where I had my race changing problem and solution. Remember how I didn’t poop before the race?!?!?!?!? Yeah. So I had to go off trail and do that and I probably wasted around 10 minutes total trying to figure out 1. if I had to do it or if I could continue, 2. how to do it 3. where to do it and 4. actually doing it. In those ten minutes, I could’ve placed much better than I did. Oh well!

The final loop was much like the 2nd loop was for me. I think I ran more and walked less than loop 2, but I did run slower. I felt really good and had a really strong and personally emotional finish. People asked me how I trained.. I told them I didn’t. I started tearing up at the end but that is sappy and I won’t get into it!

Final time: 6:36! 10th woman and 2nd in my age group. If I hadn’t pooped or walked so much in loop 2 I think I could’ve gone as high as 6th woman and 1st in age group (lost age group by a few minutes!) so I definitely have some lessons to take away from this experience. Overall, I am really happy with my performance and the fact that I am finally an ultra runner! I am also really impressed with the TARC race paradigm of no frills.

After the race, I changed quickly and drove back to Brighton to watch the second half of Liverpool with Mark at the bar. They lost but I couldn’t have cared less.

How am I feeling today– 2 days after the race? Absolutely amazing. I can’t wait to sign up for another! Fells winter ultra??? Maybe I’ll go for the 40!

Some points:

• I can cut out time at aid stations by thinking ahead of what I will want
• I can make sure to freaking poop before and also bring a napkin or something just in case (leaves are okay I guess!)
• Even though I ran the same loop 3x, each loop felt really different at a lot of points. This is probably due to what I notice but also the sun rise and fog lifting helped.
• I didn’t use headphones at all but I liked knowing I had brought them
• To pass time during lows, I would take whatever song was in my head and change the lyrics to fit either the race, how I was feeling, or what I wanted to eat/drink after. For this race, I changed the lyrics to Trap Queen and amused myself immensely.
• Maybe I can train more, knowing that I can actually finish it.

Anyway, signing off– this is Tess, Ultra Runner.